… and so it begins…

A new blog for a new day.

I had a number of regular readers on my old blog where I poured out my heart and soul about my shows, acting, and “normal” screwed up life. But lately, as things has spiraled downward, my audience is growing more and more tired of my wild mood swings—and who can blame them? I’d originally started that blog with the intent that I could work out my thoughts and feelings without judgment… but, I found out quickly that as regular readers commented for one reason or another, I began to censor myself in an effort to remain a) anonymous, and b) entertaining.

I will do my damnedest not to do that here.

Here you will find some nonsensical ramblings. Idiotic thought. Self-flagellation. Repeating mistakes. Vicious circles.

I will also do my best to write well grammatically—but you will find misspellings, comma splices, dangling participles, and all sorts of horrible errata. If you’re a grammar nerd, you might be offended, but don’t be. It’s part of the process of getting older. I’ve always been a grammar geek myself, but lately, I forget things. Even words I’ve been spelling correctly for almost 40 years, I will screw up. So.. Tough. Eat me if you don’t like it.

Who am I? I’m an actress. I’m a singer. I’m an artist. I’m almost 40 years old, and I have no life and a job I hate. I’m trapped. I get migraines and neck pain, and mystery ailments all the time—mostly due to the ongoing stress of my life. I’m very intense when I’m working. Sometimes I have a big project at my day job, work overtime, try to memorize a script, learn lines, and deal with personal problems all at the same time. The stress has to come out somewhere. It’s overwhelming. I used to be highly respected and well-liked. Now… I’m difficult.

I’m alone. I’m estranged from my siblings. My parents are dead. I never married. I have no kids. I have many friends, but very few close ones. That makes things hard.

I am sober now (more about that later), and the problem is, being sober, I don’t have the creative flow that I did when I was on the dolls. My jobs are made much harder in the cold hard light of day. I’m also not as nice a person as I used to be—not remotely as easy to work with, and not as easy to get along with as a friend. I’m losing a lot of important people in my life through this process because I’m simply too grumpy to be around these days.

Nobody knows why but me.

Am I a bad person? I think not. I’m actually very decent person on the whole. I’m generous, deeply loyal, pretty honest, and hard working—to a fault. However, having put off many of my problems from before, I’m forced to deal with everything at once now. I’m overwhelmed, and I have no help. At all. I am alone.

My singular best friend in the world is M–, and he has no idea why I’ve grown so cranky lately. I feel him pulling away from me because I’m just too hard to handle now—too moody—and, moreover, I don’t put up with his bullshit anymore. I want to, but I just can’t. For instance, when he cancels plans on me at the last minute, I’m not just okay with it anymore. I get visibly upset, but since I have no tools to appropriately communicate why I’m upset, all I can do is get silent and steam (or unreasonably bitch about it). All those years of dampening down how I really feel about things has left me with virtually no ability to appropriately handle conflict. M– doesn’t know what to do with that. I can’t blame him. I don’t know what to do with it either. If your friend suddenly started acting like an asshole, would you know what to do?

This time of abstinence has also caused me to reassess everything—and I do mean everything. Like my friendship with M–, for instance. He makes me so miserable and so happy at the same time—so why am I with him? He’s irresponsible. He’s charming. He’s unattainable. Why do I value him in my life so much, while he seems to keep me on the periphery? Is that imbalance normal? Is it okay? Moreover, am I okay with it being that way? If not, how do I get out of it?

All questions I cannot answer in my old blog. Which is why I’m here. I have the vague hope that I might be able to write my way out of these things. Maybe sort my thoughts and find some comfort in the process.

If you’re entertained by what you read here, good for you. Comment away and I hope to see you back.

If not, oh well. Come back another day and maybe there will be something worthwhile for you.

Until next time, dear reader,… I bid you… good day.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: “War is just when it is necessary; arms are permissible when there is no hope except in arms.”—Niccolo Machiavelli