More on the subject of boundaries

People that have no boundaries (NOBOs) often use the excuse that since they’re such nice, selfless, self-sacrificing people, they can’t say ‘no’ or ask for anything for themselves. They just want everybody to be happy and get along, so they spoil everyone by attending to everyone else’s needs and never their own.

In this situation, I assure you that nobody wins. Nobody. I know this, because in matters of the heart, I’ve been a total doormat myself. But that hasn’t always been the case.

Think about it like this: let’s say yours is the only house on your block with a double-lot and a big, grassy lawn. With no fence around the yard, everybody in the neighborhood considers your lawn their own personal playground. They ride their bikes, tear up the sod, dig holes, let their dogs poop there, have picnics, play baseball, and invite family members to stay and set up camp on your lawn—all without your permission. You, however, are the one stuck paying the taxes, mowing the grass, picking up the poop, repairing the holes, and dealing with the noise and bother.

Any reasonable person would not allow this! Any reasonable person with normal boundaries would be out there telling these people to get off their lawn, camp out elsewhere, and would probably immediately start building a fence to keep the pesky neighbors off.

But when you have a NOBO person with such a lawn, they’re probably out there serving lemonade with a smile (but seething underneath and priding themselves on their martyrdom).

If you think this is an extreme example, think again. This actually happened to me. When I first bought my house, there was no fence around my yard—the biggest and greenest yard in the neighborhood which was popular with all the neighbors and their kids. I was horrified at how they acted! And, me, being of normal boundaries concerning such things, I shooed the kids away and told the squatters to bugger off. The final straw came when my nextdoor neighbors set up a barbeque grill and picniced right under my kitchen window. I flipped my lid, shooed them away, and arranged to have a fence built around my property the very next day. It cost me a lot of money (it was a massive yard), but it was, by far, the best investment I’ve ever made.

One of my neighbors actually had the nerve to come up to me, as the fence was going up, to ask if I was doing it because her little Johnny kept riding his bike across my lawn. I said yes (but qualified it by saying it was far more than that).

This is an example of healthy boundaries and going through life wearing your “go-to-hell glasses”. If my neighbors are going to hate me because I put a fence up on MY property, screw ‘em. Two blocks from my house is a beautiful public park—I directed them all to go play there.

Once the fence was built, nobody camped out on my lawn ever again. No kids rode their bikes across my lawn or climbed my little sapling trees and broke off the branches, or left rubbish or dog poop in the middle of the lawn (the perimeter is another matter). The neighbors that were offended got over it, and eventually, they built fences of their own—some attached to mine. I say, good for them. It’s true that good fences make good neighbors because now we all get along so much better.

In life, such fences are just as necessary because, without them, nobody knows where THEIR property ends and YOURS begins.

I know a lot of people who are NOBOs. Aunt Crazypants is one—forever nailed to the cross of her own self-sacrifice and wondering why nobody appreciates her. Miss Daisy is another one, sacrificing all to her failing business and blaming everyone else for her failed life. And then there is SweetiePie, my officemate who has a habit of never saying ‘no’ to a customer.

There is a little-discussed feature of the NOBO that I never hear anyone talking about. That’s the trickle-down effect of NOBO behavior. In an office environment, someone like SweetiePie, who does whatever the client wants without question gets a reputation for being “easy to get along with”. The more clients/customers she acquires, the bigger this reputation becomes until the entire department takes on this persona. Eventually, my clients come in and start telling me how to do my job (I want a blue square with Comic Sans for my logo) and wonder why I suddenly put on the brakes.

“I’m sorry sir,” I patiently explain, “Let’s back up a bit. Let me ask you some questions about your company so we can develop a logo that suits you better.”

The client acts taken aback: “When I was here the last time, SweetiePie just took what I gave her. Can’t you just make this look pretty?”

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t work that way. I’m a professional designer. Figuring out how to make a logo for you is what I do.”

In her own passive-aggressive way, SweetiePie is making ME look like the asshole while SHE looks like the hero. Word to the wise: The customer is NOT always right, especially when it comes to design.

This is where my boundaries kick in. I will not cave. I will not let the clients design their own work while all I do is ‘pretty it up’ as they say. I’m too talented for that. Honestly, that’s the lazy person’s way out. I see too many designers working this way—because it’s easy. The customer says make a blue box with Comic Sans type in it, and your job is done. The customer is happy, you get paid, and on the surface it looks like everyone wins. However, it’s bad logic. Logos aren’t about blue boxes and a picking a font. It’s an art. Understanding symbolism, subtlety, line, form, psychology, color—and it takes training. The designer MUST interject their opinion because IT MATTERS. Life is the same way.

Being a classic NOBO, SweetiePie makes sure EVERYBODY in the design process is PUNISHED. She punishes herself (she’s always stressfully working too hard or too late), the client (never gets the best work), the office (gets a reputation for being a lot of pushovers), and me (I have to act like an asshole to protect myself). All this in the name of what our bosses have coined “good customer service”—but more so SweetiePie doesn’t have to say ‘no’ and risk being momentarily uncomfortable. Good customer service my ass.

So while SweetiePie stands on the lawn happily picking up the neighbors’ dog poop and serving lemonade, I’m busy kicking people off the lawn and trying to build a six-foot fence.

I think it’s sad that in today’s society, the people picking up the poop are the ones getting the accolades, but the people who stand up for themselves are vilified.

Who will win in the long run, I wonder?

LINK: Hiring a professional designer