An evening with Officer Friendly

Storytime kiddies! Gather ’round!

In the wee hours of the morning in the summer of Aught Eight, a very nice policeman was driving his regular beat in a suburban neighborhood of Fayetteville, NY. It was a warm, quiet night and not very much was going on, so Officer Friendly was worried that there would be no crimes for him to investigate or drug dealers for him to arrest. Poor Officer Friendly!

Just about then, Officer Friendly passed by the a nondescript lower-middle class home and spotted a car parked askew in a driveway. It was parked across a sidewalk with the driver’s side door wide open! “Hmm…” thought Officer Friendly, “That seems very strange.”

So, Officer Friendly pulled over to investigate. He walked toward the door of the house, and when he passed a window on his way, there, at the kitchen table, in full view of everybody and God, sat a man and a 25-year old bimbo with a strange white capsule in front of them on the table. “Uh-oh,” thought the policeman. “That seems very strange indeed! That looks like… cocaine!”

Officer Friendly suspected that these two second-rate morons were conducting illegal activities, so he arrested both the man and the bimbo because, as it turns out, that capsule did contain cocaine—and after he looked around, the policeman discovered mary-ja-wanna too!

What the policeman didn’t know at the time was that man involved in this crime was none other than Steven Page, the bespectacled, chubby frontman of a popular music group called “The Barenaked Ladies”. The BNL, as they’re often called, are a nasty gang of musicians who sing popular but really crappy songs that pollute the countryside with infectious earworms! Yuck! We don’t like the BNL, do we kiddies? Eewwww!

We here at Sobrietyland feel that Officer Friendly deserves a medal for taking off the streets bad musicians, stupid people, and crackheads all at the same time! Talk about public service! Hooray for Officer Friendly!

However, the real moral of the story is this: if you’re a really bad musician in a really bad neighborhood, and you want to do some cocaine with some 25-year old bimbo, please make sure that her car door is closed, that it is parked properly, and that the curtains are drawn before sitting down to the kitchen table to cook your drugs.

The end.