The Guffman Project is Dead

For me, as they would say on American Idol, “it’s the end of the road.”

After hearing from a couple of my audition-mates who hadn’t heard either, I convinced one of the young girls’ mothers to call Dwight Schrutte look-alike Producer/AD Joe on her daughters’ behalf then please report back what she heard.

When she emailed right back in typewritten tears that her daughter had indeed not gotten a role (I figured she wouldn’t), I presumed I didn’t as well. I bucked up my courage and called Producer/AD Joe.

When Joe answered, he confessed that he hadn’t called anyone because of the long holiday weekend, and s-l-o-w-l-y, painfully, he finally got to the point. “Well… I’m so sorry, but we won’t be able to use you on this one. Um… yeah,… sorry.”

“That’s quite alright,” I chirped brightly as if it were actually a relief, “it’s just that I hadn’t heard anything, and HWSNBN hasn’t been answering his phone, so naturally I wondered. But that’s perfectly okay. I’m just glad to know.”

“Well, HWSNBN is out of town right now,” Joe told me, “so I figured I’d wait until today and call everyone after lunch. I wish we could have used everyone we saw. We had such riches of talent that day—such a wealth of talented people to choose from.”

Oh my God. The usual “wealth of talent” line combined with the “we wish we could have used everyone” line. At least he was being polite about it.

Still, I wasn’t buying it. “Well, I know for me, I was hesitant to even try out for it. As I explained to you and to HWSNBN before, I didn’t want anyone to say I was cast just because I was HWSNBN’s friend. So I’m perfectly okay with it.”

“That’s great.”

“So who did get cast, if I might ask?”

“Oh, I really can’t say right now. I haven’t told anyone.”

“Oh, that’s right, you just told me that. Well, that’s fine. Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Good luck, and have fun with it.”

My face immediately switched from bright and chipper to flushed red with fury as I hung up the phone. I should have gotten an Oscar for that one. I wasn’t mad that I didn’t get the part—after all, I expected it—but I was seriously pissed that no one had the courage to tell me. Or anyone else for that matter. Here in Sobrietyland, that’s inconceivably rude.

I immediately broke my No Contact rule to place a special call to HWSNBN. I switched back to my cheery disposition and left the following message: “Hi HWSNBN, this is Margaret. I just got off the phone with Joe, and he told me that I didn’t get cast in the show. I’m perfectly okay with it, as I told you I would be, but… um… it really would have been nice, you know,… since we’re supposed to be friends and all, if you could have told me yourself. I would really have liked to have heard it from you. Anyway, take care, and I’ll see ya.”

And that was that.

As word spreads that not only did the unwashed masses not get a part, but that HWSNBN’s former partner-in-crime and supposed best friend was also not among the honored few, I’m getting sympathy messages left and right filled with shock and rage. The good news for them, as far as they’re concerned, is that if they didn’t get picked, and I (first lady of the American Theater? Wha?) didn’t get picked, they don’t feel so bad. “It must have been political” one said.

Good call!

I’m glad to provide a sympathetic ear.

HWSNBN called a few moments ago to say that it was nothing personal, and there was no malice involved in his not calling me. He’s simply “overwhelmed” and therefore, left it up to Joe to handle the phone calls (which, duh, he obviously didn’t). He wouldn’t go into details, but explained that he’s overwhelmed with work and intimated something about serious trouble with his partner and their homelife (could they be on the verge of a breakup? Quite likely!). I told him my life had been pretty fucked up the past week too, but since he was busy and “overwhelmed” I wouldn’t bother him with details. He didn’t get my sarcasm, but said we’d talk when he returns in a day or so. I didn’t believe him, but chose not to challenge him on it. What would be the point? However, HWSNBN took a moment to tell me my audition was very good—though what was he going to say, that I sucked? I said I thought it was kinda flat, and he said absolutely not, it was actually pretty exceptional (I still think he’s lying) but that it was a matter of casting age-appropriate people. And, since there wasn’t a range of people to choose from, it came down to physicality (read: too old and too fat) as well as ability, so he had to go “a certain way” with it. In other words it’s political, which is what I figured.

I’m still pissed, but I’m doing okay. I’m glad it’s over and I can go back to living my life.

That’s the best part!!