I gotta tell ya, now that I’m here, I’m not sure why I did it. Last night, I did not sleep well. I would sleep for a few minutes, then wake up with a start, anxiety, and overheated to the max; either a sign that I’m in apnea, or I’m going asystole in my sleep — something that was happening when I landed in the hospital last time. Then after I got up, my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, and I could swear it was throwing PVCs. I told the lady I was staying with that I wanted a ride to the hospital because something was wrong.
Then I get here, get hooked up to the machines, and nothing happens. I did, however, get to meet the whole team of doctors and nurses who helped save my life the first time, which was cool and weird at the same time. But then they watched me over a few hours and the EKG read pretty normal. I did overhear him say some blood level was askew, but everything else was in order — but they decided to put me in here anyway for an overnight observation.
I don’t know what to hope for. Whether to hope for some kind of problem that proves I’m not crazy, or hope there’s no problem they think I”m nuts and send me home with a referral to a shrink.
The doc was just in here (the one assigned to me by the hospital) and HE thinks I’m nuts. Panic attack is what he called it. Oh great. He said that if the last hospital cleared me — no problems on the MRI or anywhere else, then there’s nothing wrong with my heart that a little exercise won’t clear.
So I’m nuts and need meds.
But of course, now that I’m officially a “user” I won’t get jack shit for any of this — not so much as an aspirin.
And this is why I got my own meds and took care of myself. Also why I ended up in the hospital and almost died.
I’m officially depressed and sad now.
I’m also thinking that I need to get back to my apartment and my routine as soon as I possibly can — no more lazing around the old lady’s house mooching free meals. I gotta get off my ass and just live life. I tried to do some laundry yesterday and got too winded to stand.
But according to the doc, there’s nothing wrong with my heart, so I have no reason to complain.
But if I get back to my life, then maybe — just maybe — things will even out on their own. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think of anything anymore. All I can tell you is being here sucks, being home sucks, and even being at the old lady’s house sucks too.