Dear Mother Nature:
While it is no secret that I am not a big fan of winter seasons in general (though I do love your Spring and Fall!), your performance this winter season is making some of us reconsider your employment contract with Earth. Several complaints have come in from all over the United States (the majority from Florida, of all places!) and while some people enjoyed the break by watching online porn, most of our citizens remain pretty angry.
Generally, people like winter. They ski, they snowboard, they snowmobile. In fact, the big fluffy snow flakes that fall when the temperature barely hovers around freezing — now that’s some mighty pretty snow — so, well done on that! However, the rest of winter is something I am barely tolerating. Your performance so far this season has been deeply below par, and I feel it is incumbent upon me, as your supervisor, to give you a chance to correct course before we consider termination.
First of all, you have sent us below zero temperatures in December. This is simply unacceptable. Below zero temperatures, as we have discussed many times before, are reserved for a handful of days (no more than three) in any given January with the option of one or two additional in early February. Since we have experienced below zero temps to excess in both December and January, I must warn you that any further such dips in temperature will result in a writeup and possibly termination.
Second, this Polar Vortex of Doom that wandered into our yard this past New Year’s Week was unacceptable. Perhaps the escape of your Devil Dog was an inadvertent error or possibly an innocent prank gone awry, but I assure you, I and upper management are not amused. We here in New York experienced ridiculously cold temperatures combined with heavy snow and a bitter 50 mile-per-hour wind that made driving hazardous, walking impossible, and even simply living inside a home bitter cold (even with heat). Many people lost their lives and experienced extreme hardship as a direct result of your actions in this matter, which is unconscionable — as you know — except in the Dakota states and in higher elevations such as the Rockies. However, as I see you have already retracted the offending Vortex of Doom back from New York, please make sure it stays there, and I hope you understand it may never enter our state again without severe consequences.
Third, the ice storms. Now, come on — did you think we wouldn’t notice? I’m sure you will recall that it is stated in the employee manual that: “Any major winter storm must be followed by at least three days of above-freezing temperatures in order to assist with cleanup.” (Earth Employee Manual, p.79). Now, I’m not an unreasonable woman, and I realize that there are times when those above-freezing temperatures are difficult to find, especially after Christmas (heck, I can’t even find a decent sweater anymore!). But you had plenty of time to come up with something other than an ice storm. That smacks of laziness. And an ice storm accompanied by wind is virtually insulting. The rain landed on the snow pack and turned everything into a giant block of solid ice making it nearly impossible for homeowners to clean their walks and driveways, for businesses to clear parking lots, and even shut down several businesses and schools due to power outages. From now on, Mother Nature, remember: One storm at a time, followed by slightly warmer cleanup time.
Last, the grey skies. What would normally be a minor quibble is a major issue this year. As if this winter hasn’t been depressing enough (and it just started!), the constant grey skies have been seriously overused. Perhaps you are using them to help control temperature, especially at night, but a little more daytime sunshine wouldn’t kill your budget. I want you to seriously consider allowing a few more hours of sunshine during the day. If you need to borrow one summer day to help pay for it, please contact the Accounting Department as soon as possible. It would provide our citizens with more Vitamin D (necessary for our survival) and brighten the spirits of those of us who are of the depressive sort. And frankly, after the winter you have provided us with so far, I think we have earned some sun, don’t you?
I am sincerely looking forward to your annual spectacular Spring season with its explosion of color and brighter skies. It’s an annual joy for all of us to experience,. Please consider this fair warning, and make sure the issues I have addressed in this letter are handled promptly. You have been a pleasure to work with in the past, and I would hate to see that relationship be terminated for any reason.
Thank you for your time, and I will assume this matter will be cleared up and put behind us quickly and permanently.
The Fairy Queen (Margaret)