For those among you who have missed my personal stories and adventures, I do apologize. For obvious reasons — namely, that people I know personally now know about this blog — I have to edit myself a bit. But I’d still like to provide an update on how things are going.
I can tell you that things are generally going well. There are some major issues going on behind the scenes, but I’m managing.
I continue to be employed at our local thrift store. Yay! Employment! Tonight I am changing over from morning crew hanger/pricer to night crew cashier in preparation for this fall’s onslaught of day classes at the local community college. It’s something of a step down, but I requested it. Much as I would have loved to keep my day hours at work, it simply wasn’t in the cards. The specific classes I require for Nursing (right now, chemistry and psychology) are only available during the day, and only in Utica. UGH. Then, once the nursing-proper classes begin, they don’t even begin to offer night classes, so I might as well get used to that now. And getting used to being paid a lot less at work (but at least I’ll be employed).
That’s the part I’m really worried about. Since one of my two jobs cut my paid hours in half back in April, my personal financial matters have started slumping south. And as a person already living on the poverty line, this additional loss in wages will bump me significantly below that poverty line. I will have to invent a way to make up the deficit. Suggestions are welcome!
Personally, my health is good (and yes, I’m still clean) but I could be doing a lot better — I have not been taking my own health very seriously lately, and I really need to. I’m tired and worn down most of the time, and my depression has been slowly creeping back (so far so good though). One particularly bothersome problem is that I’ve been plagued by a rash of chalazions lately; they’re rather like styes that take a ridiculously long time to go away (months!). I have never experienced these before, but they’re rather disfiguring and deeply upsetting. While I need to address the issue (and some others), instead, I keep finding excuses why I don’t have time. My own hesitation to deal with it frustrates me!
I have also been working for a local non-profit as their Promotions Chair. I’m enjoying it very much (aside from the fact that I’m not being paid). I’m allowed to bring my dog to the office — so he’s not home alone all day — and I get to do some work (that I’m actually good at) in the comfort of central air conditioning and big windows.
I was interviewed this past week by University Hospital’s “Upstate Health” magazine staff regarding my experience with Loperamide abuse. They were wonderful! Jim Howe, the reporter, reassured me and listened while I chattered on during the interview itself. When it came to the photography part, I was worried about one new chalazion on my eye, but their photographers made me feel at ease, and with some good eyeliner, the bump should be hard to detect. Instead you’ll likely see a photo of me cross-eyed with my mouth agape while I’m blabbering on about something! Hah! (FYI: I also made sure to go easy on the eye makeup, avoiding that copper eyeshadow again. Eeeechh.) I still look like a dork though, so you’ll know it’s me.
And as always, I remain in touch with my doctors in Syracuse as well as my former therapist who you may recall was a regular and entertaining character on this blog. I miss him a lot — as I’m sure many of you do as well. In case you were wondering whatever happened to him, last I knew, he was doing very well for himself now and has a big office with an espresso machine and a big window. And a secretary! Woo!
I continue to regularly attend my 12-steppie meetings. We had a picnic this past week that was amazing! Way too much food! But lots of good times. It was kinda fun to attend an event where people weren’t getting slobbery drunk and acting like fools.
Speaking of which, a very dear friend of mine has fallen back into alcoholism (they may or may not ever see this blog). I pray for this person every day even though I’m absolutely certain they couldn’t care less. This person seems to equate my worry as if I’m being a pest, and I don’t know what to do about that. In the program, we often talk about dealing with loved ones who have active addiction issues. We remind ourselves that no addict/alcoholic can be helped unless they want it for themselves. This stand-by-and-watch attitude is extremely distressing for me though. I feel as if I am deserting this person in Hell. So, unable to follow them, I end up remaining in Limbo. Unfair.
I had a recurrent dream last night — the second dream in two days — where I’m back at my old house and my mother is there arranging to have her possessions moved out because she was leaving the house. She told me to gather my things, but there were too many to carry and I couldn’t choose what was important enough to take and what to leave behind. In the first dream, the house was being sold off; in the second, it was going to be torn down. I reacted to all this by being angry, yelling, screaming, pleading to be heard, but no one was listening. I was dismissed. I wanted to save the house — I insisted the house belonged to me! They can’t take it away — it’s mine! But nobody listened.
So that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Sadly, I must leave you now, dear reader, having completed my update. I have to get ready for my new night shift at work. Pleasant dreams, and well wishes!
“The fact that you live in a broken-down house in the midst of restoration makes everything more difficult. It removes the ease and simplicity of life. It requires you to be more thoughtful, more careful. It requires you to listen and see well. It requires you to look out for difficulty and to be aware of danger. It requires you to contemplate and plan. It requires you to do what you don;t really want to do and to accept what you find difficult to accept. You want to simply coast, but you can’t. Things are broken and they need to be fixed. There is work to do.”