Breakthrough

I finally broke through the negative 30 blockade to wind up at -32.8 pounds. A wee moment of celebration until I go back to feeling shitty for not being at my -150 pound goal yet.

I’ve been adjusting my goal weight. I originally wanted to get back to my high school weight which would put me at -200 pounds. However, having seen a few “thin” people my age looking decidedly wrinkly, I’m opted to aim for my weight circa 2005 which was -150 pounds. If I got there, I wouldn’t be thin, I’d be merely “overweight” and — honestly — I think I’d be okay with that. A little fat to round out the deep wrinkles, but thin enough to wear an XL in most sizes. It would be a satisfactory compromise.

But dudes, I’m still a L-O-N-G way from -150. While 30 pounds is nothing to sneeze at, it’s still early in the game. A lot can happen. I still have to hit a lot of mini-goals inbetween before the Big Kahuna comes along.

And let’s fact it, the possibility exists it won’t even happen. It is a rare thing indeed for someone to lose 150 pounds by diet alone.

So what’s different this time around that leads to such frustration? Well, 30 pounds, when you weight as much as I do, doesn’t look like much. My face is still fat. I still have a double chin. My clothes, while smaller, still fit the same. No one is looking at me and asking if I lost any weight. I look pretty much as I did 30 pounds ago. I can see some minor changes, but yeah. I’m still pretty damn big.

And I’m still tired. Before, when I lost 80 pounds in the early 2000s, losing 30 pounds gave me a lot more energy to get out and do things. Exercising became a natural course of events — I wanted to, therefore, I did. I walked with ease. I went to the gym occasionally. I could move in ways that were impossible prior to that. I could cross my legs!

But now that I have basically twice that to lose, 30 pounds is comparatively bubkus.

Therefore, it gets frustrating when I look at the calendar and wonder why I’m not feeling like an exquisitely lean gazelle yet.

I remind myself that it’s all worth it, of course. I’m not going to give up that easily.

But sitting where I am today, seeing the scale ease down slowly, I can honestly see why so many DO give up. After a while, it feels like a lot of effort for very little reward.

I know that logically, if I keep up my efforts, in time it will show and people will say that I look like I’ve lost weight. But, yes, it’s frustrating not seeing it now.

So I press on. On and on. Eat right, get a little exercise, weigh in every few days, hope for the best.

And on.

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“Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.” – Walter Elliot